Holding Hands - Staying Strong in the Journey

Bev, Mom and I holding hands ©CindyRippe2014

Haven't been blogging much lately.  Mom is on hospice.  Each day is a new adventure.  It's been a very long journey.  Not often easy.  We don't have much help but we are lucky we don't have to struggle alone.  The help we DO have is good and very much appreciated for sure.  On those days that we wonder just how much longer we can stand it somehow we pull it together and make it through another day.  She has declined so rapidly the last few weeks that we aren't sure how much longer she'll be with us.  We've talked about her faith and I'm sure I'll see her again some day.  But I will miss her.

She's been very loving and appreciates all the help we give her now.  It wasn't like that most of her illness. She now holds our hands, gives us a kiss and says "I love you" or "Thank You". I think of it as a gift from God.  He knows we are tired and need to have loving memories to carry in our heart after the struggle ends.  We are all ready.  Dad is waiting for her too.

I have set the LORD always before me. Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken. - Psalms 16

Painting on the Go - Flora's Art Adventures

Mom was feeling a little better so I set her up with watercolors at the hospital ©CindyRippe2014

I was thinking that the title of this post "Painting on the Go" should probably be "Painting when you're stuck in Bed" but it works for both I guess. I've spent so much time away from the studio lately that I started figuring out ways to bring a few creative tools with me.  I had my book of Peerless Water Color Sheets, a brush and one sheet of watercolor paper with me while visiting Mom at the hospital yesterday.  She started feeling better so I drew a quick vine on the paper, set her up with a paper cup, water, brush and the design.

She really enjoyed painting for a while.  Flora helped by hold the water color book and Mom thought that was pretty funny. She has "busy hands" syndrome now with her Dementia and this will help.  There are a few other things that she can do but both Flora and I are partial to this one!  I bought her a set of Crayola watercolors today (washable) that she can use at home. I wish I would have thought about bringing one of my Aquash™ Water Brushes with.  That would have been even easier for her to use.   No worries about knocking over the cup of water.

I have another kit set up for painting acrylic washes with pen and ink.  I'll show you that one later.  

Flora wants to know what is in YOUR travel art kit?

Art enables us to find ourselves and lose ourselves at the same time. Thomas Merton

Bright Tulips and a Life Lesson

Pay attention - Don't miss the good stuff - Cherokee saying - photo ©CindyRippe2013

I had Mom with me today.  We had a really early start and I kept her busy along with me as we accomplished several jobs and errands after I helped her with a personal care projects.  We laughed as we traveled in and out of the pouring rain. (whenever we were inside the skies cleared up - when we headed out the door the rain would start again!)  I helped her and she ended up helping me by hemming a pair slacks. I wasn't sure she'd be still be able to do that but we were both pleased and surprised at the outcome.  I took her to see the family of Swans at Lake Katherine, to her doctor appointment and more.  Even though the weather overall was dreary we made our own sunshine with patience and laughter.  It was a good day.

The orange tulips are from the garden outside the Visitors Center at Morton Arboretum.  I had the photo in the file from my visit last week.  They were really tall and so bright glowing in the sunshine. I didn't even notice them when I headed toward the lake and flowering trees that surround it.  I guess I looking up at the time but I'm so glad I got a second chance to see them on my return trip along the path.  Just as I learned a few new ways to enjoy the good time we have left with Mom that day, I learned to slow down as I walk the garden paths.  And pay attention...

Everything in life comes to you as a teacher. Pay Attention. Learn Quickly. Cherokee saying

Good Days, Rough Edges and Ice Cream

Blue Anemone - Fernwood Gardens - Rough Edges and a Good Day - ©CindyRippe2013

These anemones looked a little worse for the wear at Fernwood Gardens last month but I fell in love with the blue color. As I snapped the photo I thought I'd never use it for anything other than reference material.  I guess I was wrong!  It's a perfect representation of my day today.

You know how it is... busy, strange and blessed all mixed together.  You can't wait to go to bed and think "Whew!  I made it!".  As I juggled several home projects and care-giving issues, the ants (that I have to work hard at keeping under control around our back door and deck) decided it was time to move.  Did you know they swarm after mating?  (I checked and they are just common house ants - not termites - thank goodness but they are still kind of creepy!)  Apparently they are sick of the vinegar, cinnamon, and other natural deterrents I keep spraying, and decided to find a new home.  Yeah for me!

I had several really good moments today though.  The weather was beautiful so I took Mom to the walking park. I was able to dry washed fabrics outdoors (far away from the ants - lol), had a nice visit with my TOPS friends, wandered through the garden center while waiting for my sister, got a much needed hug (for both of us) from my husband and we capped off the day with a treat of ice cream.  I tried to give up ice cream in order to lose weight but I only succeeded in eating way less than I used to .  (Moderation - that's the excuse I'm using) Yep, I'm exhausted, had a few setbacks, feel a little sad that I can't help someone I love, and still haven't finished half of the jobs I wanted to do today but, I am happy and feel blessed tonight. A little rough around the edges but a GOOD DAY after all!

For God gave us a spirit not of fear but of power and love and self-control.  II Tim. 1:7

Spring is Driving me to Distraction!

Distracted by Daffodils - photo ©CindyRippe - Spring Quote - Rainer Maria Rilke

As I was driving Mom home last night I kept pointing out all the flowers and trees along the route.  She doesn't notice them as much anymore on her own but when I draw her attention to them sometimes she'll tell me a story about something she planted in her yard or talk about the fabulous roses her Mom was known for growing or the tomatoes that her Dad taught her how to plant.  Gardening is a family gene that I've inherited and gives a way to connect.

Seeing all of these beautiful gifts of Spring can also be a distraction when she's unhappy or it can be a reason to go somewhere or do something.  Of course, the flowers can also be too much of a distraction for me!  I'm trying hard to pull over to the side of the road when I see a spectacular display instead of gawking out the window as I'm driving.  For me, this time of year could be similar to drivers who text on their cell phones.  It's not easy, but I think I do a pretty good job of keeping the driving and flower search separate.  A little more wear and tear on the brakes and parking the car will keep everyone safer. But I sure do enjoy all the colors whizzing by my windows!

Though we travel the world over to find the beautiful, we must carry it with us or we find it not.  Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life Changes and Growth - Something Different Every Day

Something Different every day - Double Daffodils and Life Changes - ©CindyRippe2013

I've been asked many times about the double daffodils in the garden.  Since they don't look like the traditional variety with the cup in the center most visitors are pleasantly surprised. They look so different!  While they have their challenges they are certainly beautiful and add to the daily changes in the spring flower bed.  Every morning lately something else has bloomed. One day the entire bed is filled with white flowers, the next the pink tulips bloom, then the red, orange and yellow varieties popped open all at the same time.  I have daffodils that are early and late blooming varieties, as well as the multi-color, miniature, double blooming and traditional style. It's an ever changing show around here.

Such as life for me, as I'm sure it is for you.  Just about the time you think you've made a plan something happens to change it.  I for one have been working around  life's kinks, taking time for rest and restoration (and of course using every opportunity to enjoy the flowers) and succeeding at my goal to just "deal" with less stress.  I'm trying hard to avoid that depression and stress level that exhausts me, paying attention to my health, and accomplishing projects by taking many small steps.  I guess I'm finally growing.  Took long enough to figure it out that's for sure!

Faith, it does not make things easy it makes them possible. (unknown quote - adapted from Luke 1:37 - For with God nothing shall be impossible.)

Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.

Green Helleborus with quote by T. Roosevelt ©CindyRippe2013

I decided to stay with the green theme again today (the day after St. Pat's Day). This helleborus flower is from the Chicago Flower and Garden Show.  There are so many details in this shot, including he water drops, the veins in the petals and the flower centers. That's how I had planned to spend my day. Working on the details of my website and Drawing classes.   Didn't happen...

I stayed with Mom last night. Since I no longer have the internet connected at the studio, I didn't bring the computer and we were kind of trapped today until the freezing rain cleared up.  I decided to clean out 2 huge boxes of papers while we watched TV last night.  Today I helped her with a few projects around the house.  I tried to read some instructions for redesigning some of my social media sites but that's the time Mom finally decided to talk (which was much better than when I worried about her being too quiet and maybe a little sad earlier in the day.)

So as it turns out I guess I did work on details.  Just not the ones I planned on.  The quote I added to the photo above, by Theodore Roosevelt, describes my day perfectly. I did what I could.

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. John Wooden

Happy Heart

Happy Heart - Happy Bird - Verse from Proverbs 15:13  ©CindyRippe2013

I thought that keeping busy would make me happy today.  I had a long list of little chores to do around the house, have Mom visiting, and Lee's finally able to paint the office.  I kept plugging along, tried to do whatever I could to make Mom happy, to help Lee with whatever he needed, kept them feed with meals, snacks and beverages, all the while doing my own jobs.  I haven't stopped for 9 hours.

It didn't work.  Mom is still not happy being here and thinks that I'm being mean to her and lying to her about why she's with me.  Can't seem to understand why I'm looking at the computer screen and not paying more attention to her.  20 minutes is all I need Mom.    

Sigh.................................Dementia sucks.

The daffodils and this little ceramic bird, that I made 30 years ago, are oblivious to the unhappiness within me this evening and act as a reminder that tomorrow could be better.  I'm hanging on to that.

 The fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.  Galatians 5:22

Pure Love and Patience

1 Corinthians 13:4–8a - Pure Love - Bleeding Hearts ©CindyRippe2013

I've been looking for the perfect opportunity to use this photo of white bleeding hearts. I captured the image early one morning at the Chicago Botanic Gardens (in the English Walled Garden area). Today is the day. The white hearts remind me of Pure Love.

The last two days have been a interesting around here.  I've been REALLY patient with family members that totally deserve that respect. Did lots of favors and tried to be loving and patient while dealing with work and home remodeling stress. A few situations had me screaming inside my head but outwardly I patiently encouraged those I dearly love and helping as much as I could.

Trust me, I'm not perfect though.  During a separate situation, after four conversations with employees at the phone company over several frustrating hours. I quietly said "No thanks, there's nothing else you can help me with" disconnected the call and threw the phone down as I yelled out in anger "No! REALLY...I've had ENOUGH!"  I think I shocked my Mom. She forgot about it quickly though so I think it's OK.  Last night, after I pushed myself to finish just one more job, I made a smart comment to Lee about forgetting to turn off the TV when he went to bed.  He SO did not deserve that.  I apologized right away, and he responded in his usual patient and understanding way. He knew I was really tired but I shouldn't have said anything.  He is probably the definition of pure love.  Just loves me for who I am, doesn't judge, doesn't yell, quickly forgets mistakes that I've made and thinks of others before himself.  I am so grateful for that! 

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.
1 Corinthians 13:4–8a

Sunshine Flowers

©CindyRippe2013 - Happy Yellow Mums

After my "Be Awesome Today" post yesterday morning I found myself struggling with a slightly grumpy attitude towards my Mom.  She doesn't know better, but she's like a 2 year old sometimes that needs constant attention, Dementia stinks.  I didn't act out on my frustration, just felt it building inside.  Not easy.  So on our way to get her hair done I decided that we needed some flowers to change my mood and just had a feeling that my cousin, Cindy, (also her hairdresser) could use some too!

Mom picked this bunch of bright yellow mums as "Happy Flowers" and I couldn't agree more.  She decided she didn't want any of them because the cats might eat them (my sister's cats) so we gave the whole bunch to Cindy.  She was pleased and I took a few pictures of them while Mom was getting her hair styled, and that was enough to change my mood.  The day just got easier somehow after that.

The sun is shining brightly today and it reminded me once again of the "Happy Flowers".  Enjoy!

May the Lord continually bless you with heaven's blessings as well as with human joys.  Psalms 128:5

Awesome Orchid

©CindyRippe - Be Awesome Orchid - photographed at the Chicago Flower Show

You might remember that I chose "Accomplished" as my word for 2013 and that I mentioned how powerful it was to me.  I have been very happy with how much I am getting done and the feelings that go with not giving up.  I find that I'm wasting less time and always thinking of what else I can do or how I can make something better. 

My husband and I talk about it a lot. He likes to tease me about how he's getting dragged along for the ride as I ask him for help with projects around the house. :)  He feels good about doing more too though so it's not a problem. The issue that I'm having now is figuring out how to balance my design business, family, caregivng and home projects.  There is so much that I want to do that I get a little scattered.  I need to find focus for one direction at a time. I guess the best thing I can do is to just keep working at it...and to do the best I can each day, each hour and each minute.

This picture of an orchid (taken at the Flower Show last year) with it's delicate flowers balancing at the end of fragile stems gave me encouragement that balance can create awesome changes in my life.

If one advances confidently in the direction of his dreams, and endeavors to live the life which he has imagined, he will meet with a success unexpected in common hours.  Henry David Thoreau

Beautiful Moments

©Cindy Rippe 2012 - Rim Rock, Shawnee National Forest, Illinois

It seems like every step we take on this journey as caregivers that the road gets rocky and we're not sure which way to go.

I'm so grateful that my sister and her husband have taken on more of Mom's daily care.  I've been able to catch up on so many things around the house and it seems to make Mom happier right now.

Dementia is a strange road to travel.  You're always wondering if you're walking in the right direction.  Sometimes the steps are really difficult, and even scary.  But, along the way if you can find those moments that are perfect you need to take the time to enjoy the beauty around you before the next hill comes along.

We keep saying; "We'll figure it out!" and I have faith that we will if we can keep the lines of communication open.  After all, we are trying to do what's best for Mom and for our own families as we go.

Do your best to present yourself to God as one approved, a worker who has no need to be ashamed, rightly handling the word of truth.   2 Timothy 2:15

Weary in doing good.

There are a just few colorful trees left in the neighborhood.  It's like they are hanging on as long as they can. Today I am choosing to be grateful for that little bit of color and the promise of beauty in the snow that's on it's way soon.  There is an abundance of color in the photos that I've captured throughout the last few months so maybe that will lift my spirits. This one is from the Lauritzen Gardens.

I'm really feeling the effects of the stress as a caregiver.  Now that my sister, Bev, has taken the lead in Mom's care for a while you'd think I'd be all relaxed but no......I guess my body has other plans.  Aches, pains, flu, guilt, etc.  All the good stuff that catches up with you when your immune system is worn out. Lee and I are still trying to help as much as we can but everything is in transitional mode I guess.  We'll figure it out I'm sure but I hope it's before Bev gets in to the same place as me.  I am sure grateful that she, and her husband, are there for Mom though.

Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.Galatians 6:9

Autumn Roses - Transitions - Family Caregivers

Delicious autumn! My very soul is wedded to it, and if I were a bird I would fly about the earth seeking the successive autumns.  -- George Eliot

Mom's finally on the mend - Thank you God!  While we are happy that she is healing physically; the Dementia creates a new challenge to us as Caregivers.  Unfocused and forgetful, she needs a constant watchful eye to make sure she's eating, using her cane, not losing her balance and much more.  One minute she feels great and the next she's in really bad pain again.  It's part of the healing process and getting stronger, so it's understandable.  On the other hand, it's exhausting to keep up with her needs.  As usual we make it through the day by focusing on the positive (eventually...I never said I was perfect!) and relying on humor and faith.

The transition from a broken body to a healthy one can be filled with happy moments as well as sad.  This first day of Autumn makes me appreciate things while I still have them and try to anticipate the good things yet to come.  Mom's favorite yellow roses are sharing their last set of blooms this week as we will miss them!  I created a display that transitions the end of summer's flowers in one of the pumpkin bowls that I use to decorate for fall.

Happy 1st day of Autumn!

To everything there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens.    Ecclesiastes 3:1

Magic Moments - Family Caregivers

Butterfly resting on Chihuli Glass sculpture at Franklin Park Conservatory - ©Cindy Rippe 2012

It's no secret that life has it's ups and downs.  Caring for someone that needs you isn't easy.  I'm trying hard to live in the moment, with more patience ~ less complaining when I'm "on duty" and leaving the problems behind when I'm "off duty". 

My husband and I have made it a habit to fit short escapes into our lives.  This picture is from one of those moments.  When I was on a trip to teach classes at the Heart of Ohio Tole Convention in Columbus we took a few short hours to visit the Franklin Park Conservatory.  The combination of glass sculptures by Dale Chihuly and flowers were a perfect escape. We walked through quickly, snapped a few pictures and then headed back to work.

Please try to take some time to find (and appreciate) the Magic Moments in your life.  And share those moments with others when you can.

   .A cheerful heart is good medicine.  Proverbs 17:22

  

Friends through rain or shine - Family Caregivers

This photo that I took in a wonderful garden today reminded me of two friends.  I imagine them saying "I've got your back!"

When you are struggling in life there's nothing like having a friend that you can call.  As a caregiver there sure are some bad days, but there are those moments when you realize that you've had some really great days too!

Today, I'm grateful for those friends that are there to listen, advise, support, sympathize, rejoice, and just keep trying to remind you of the normal parts of your life.  You are loved and appreciated.  

Thank you!

"Faithful friends are beyond price: No amount can balance their worth."
  Sirach 6:15 - Old Testament

After the Storm - Family Caregivers

Hail Storm - Cindy Rippe 2012

It was really hot yesterday and there was a possibility of storms. I checked the sky.  Nope, not a cloud in sight.  What seemed like a just few minutes later we heard thunder.  A sudden storm with hail and heavy rain appeared out of nowhere. I could almost imagine the grass dancing with joy since it's been so dry! We lost power due to a downed power line, the ice melted quickly and there was no  permanent damage. I was able to capture a few photos to share with the rest of the family.

As I look at the pictures this morning the one with Mom's frail hand reminded me of the blog that I read for Caregiver support.  She compares what my Sister and I call "The Switch" to an iceberg and The Twilight Zone show.  She writes, "The day could start out great and then--whoosh--I would be transported into another time and place where mom sounded the same and looked the same but she sure wasn’t acting like the mom I knew!"  For us, sometimes, it's the reality she's imagined and told us about repeatedly and we know how to react.  Other times it's brand new and we are caught off guard.  I'm sure we make mistakes in the way we handle things when we are surprised but know we are doing our best. Thankfully the ice eventually melts and there is no permanent damage.


And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.   Romans 8:28 ESV

Hidden Beauty - Family Caregivers

Hellebore - ©CindyRippe 2012

I had a hard time writing this post.  I want to keep things positive but we've had some rough days around here.  I know that things could be worse.  I know that she doesn't realize that she's stressing us out.  I know that we are supposed to have lots of patience.  It just doesn't always work that way.

I wish that some of the other family members would take on a little of the responsibility but I understand that Mom needs stability and routine.  She needs her own space as well as the comfort of just a few people at a time.  I'm just running out of creative ways to make things work.

I'll keep searching though.  Just like the day I went to Fernwood Gardens a few months ago looking to photograph Spring Woodland flowers.  The Hellebore plants are not easy to find with the flowers tucked under the leaves and the petals facing down.  I finally found a patch with pink flowers that were a little easier to see.  With lots of effort (I had a really sore knee that day) I was able to get down under the plant to see the beauty and details.  It was so worth the momentary pain!

Hellebore flower detail - ©CindyRippe 2012

So, as I said above, I'll keep searching for the beauty inside Mom.  It may be hidden but I know it's there somewhere.

Beauty is not in the face; beauty is a light in the heart.  - Kahlil Gibran

Nothing in Nature is Perfect - Family Caregivers

This whole experience as one of Mom's Caregivers hasn't been easy, that's for sure!  Each day (heck each minute!) can reveal a change in mood or health.  Things aren't perfect but we haven't given up and keep trying to do our best to help her to stay with us "in the moment".

Mom has always loved roses.  A trip to the Rose Garden at the Chicago Botanic Garden this morning was good for both of us.  We were overwhelmed with the beauty of hundreds of thousands of blooms, in every shape and color.  All of the flowers were beautiful but as I zoomed in for closer photographs I noticed that on every blossom there was at least one imperfection.  I was reminded that even though there are things that Mom's done to hurt or confuse me, she still has her overall beauty as a person and I need to keep trying my best to see that instead of the imperfections of her disease. I also need to remind myself not to be so hard on myself as a caregiver.  I'm not perfect either! 

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day.  2 Corinthians 4:16

Linking to: Seeds of Faith and

Expectations - Family Caregivers

Helping Mom through this stage of Dementia has been interesting to say the least.  Nothing....I repeat....NOTHING stays the same for long.  Something that works for a while (or even once in a while) suddenly changes and there isn't a thing you can do or say to make her do something she needs to do.

If you expect this to happen it makes life a little easier.  This garden gate at Fernwood Gardens in Michigan reminded me of our situation.  A little grey and blurry, but something wonderful was waiting on the other side.  Not a bright fabulous garden, just a shady and quiet place to rest, with little woodland flowers peeking through.  A little like when we step back and just wait for the sweet little moments after Mom's mood changes back again.

And your ears shall hear a word behind you, saying, “This is the way, walk in it,” when you turn to the right or when you turn to the left. Isaiah 30:21 ESV